I wrote this originally in August 2007 over on my old blog:

“Why does this make us nervous? Marriage needs revision. If the current model of marriage provides married couples with a 50/50 percent chance of success, why are we not advocating for a different way. 50% success rate is just not good enough and equates marriage to a game of Russian roulette. I just care too much about my marriage to accept a 50/50 guarantee. No thanks.

We’re too nervous to have conversations about the marriage institution. Religion, moralism and the Church complicates the issue, preventing any sort of revisions from being made. We might agree revisions are needed, but I’m not sure any of us are gutsy enough to actually start conversing about revised expressions of marriage or what marriage 2.0 actually means.

The Church is the worse, failing to be honest about it’s failure to marriage. The Church hasn’t championed a bold new vision for married life in the 21st Century and instead insist on advocating for a model of married life that’s broken and at best provides a 50% chance. Married couples are too quickly blamed for the failure or demise of their own relationships We rarely consider the fact that marriage itself might need some major improvements. Maybe couples aren’t to blame. As the Church has attempted to protect marriage and the family, I’m not sure it has offered any new hope.”

Originally posted on my old blog and reposted on Facebook.

I’ve been taught that marriage is a commitment between myself, as a man and my wife, as a woman for better for worse, till death do us part. To be honest though, when I married at the age of 22 I didn’t fully comprehend what the purpose of marriage was. Maybe I still don’t know, even after almost 9 years of marriage, performing pastoral marriage counseling, and marrying a handful of couples. I know I was taught that I should marry to have kids (the Catholic in me), a family, and a home life. I’ve been taught by the church that marriage for Christians is God’s will and part of his master elaborate plan (I assume to take take over the world and evangelize the hell out of it, literally).

I’ve been taught that I should never divorce and if I did, well at least in my fundamentalist days, I should never remarry. I’ve been taught that if I do remarry that I should never pastor. If I was single, I should never wed anyone who had been divorced less I commit adultery.

I’ve been taught that I am an incomplete person and need to find my other half. She happened to be out there looking for me, as well – her other half. Finding her would complete us, fill us, and give us life for the rest of our days. I was taught that being single meant to be incomplete. God even has a wife, His church. I should have a wife too, that is unless I’m above God.

I’ve been taught fidelity. There must be faithfulness to each other. I must fight and deny any thought, feeling, desire, wet dream, or unexpected erection I have towards anyone other than my wife. Not only that, but I was taught that I should save my virginity for her. I should not have any kind of sex before marrying – oral, anal, or in the ear. If I remained single, I must never have sex or experience any sexual gratification my entire life.

I am happy being married and see myself as a husband the rest of my life. However, I wonder if what I was taught… if what we’ve been taught… pressures people into marriage before there is the capability, responsibility, and maturity required. I wonder if what I was taught, including abstinence, places pressure on those who are single into married life sooner than necessary. I believe it does.

The most important principle I’ve been taught is to never question any of the things I’ve been taught about marriage. Do not think about them, never question marriage, and never discuss marriage problems or the problem with marriage publically. Never. Advice I never took.